Squirrel

Yesterday the Newspaper came out, with Rick on the front page. It was the story from court and his Alford plea. I knew it would happen, then I heard it was coming, then it happened. That has been the story of our lives for the past 3 years. Anxiety of the next bomb dropping.

Because of the anticipation of the next eruption, I have definitely 'squirreled'. I have been silenced for so long that when I was finally able to tell Rick's side of the story I was ready to put it out there in a way that I didn't have to tell the story, I wanted everyone to stay tuned so that I could show the facts. I announced on Facebook that the truth was coming. The truth being told brought fear to someone, because then an alleged victim complained to the Attorney General that I was posting and causing her upset. Their attorney then emailed Rick's attorney asking him to talk to me about taking down and to stop making provocative posts. For legalities, I myself don't fully understand, my plan had to change. But I will not stop. I have First Amendment Rights, and everyone has executed theirs except The Ashby Family. When we try were accused of victim shaming, bullying and causing drama. 

I'm not good at describing the intensity of my feelings. I felt an explosive rage and I felt pressure. The two feelings together caused a speed rage. I was like an angry squirrel on crack! I jumped so fast to tell Ricks story and now looking back at stuff, it looks and sounds like I was an angry squirrel on crack. I just took off with so many different things and I didn't give much ground information for people to know what in the world I was talking about. I was livid and I wanted his side to be known. I was pressured and threatened by consequences. Because of that I rushed in and definitely didn't tell enough of the story for people to fully understand the big picture. 

Imagine a sudden, brutal shift in reality.  One minute, you're living your life with its usual ups and downs, but grounded in the sense of that's where you are in the world.  The next, everything is violently ripped away.  You're staring into the eyes of an accusation so profound, so utterly false, that your mind struggles to even comprehend it. It's like being trapped in a nightmare, yet you're fully awake and horribly aware that it's real.

The initial shock is a physical blow, a cold numbing dread or fear that spreads throughout your body. You feel betrayal. Betrayal by the people you once trusted, betrayal by the system and betrayal by the concept of justice. How can this be happening? Why? The world, which was once normally chaotic but somewhat predictable, then suddenly feels like you're being dangled over the edge of a sky rise watching the rope unravel and break one strand at a time ending life as you know it.

Every step of the process that followed the accusations was brutal and unrelenting. Every legal document, knock on the door with warrants, court appearances, every interaction with law enforcement, every meeting with attorneys. It all felt like another nail in the coffin. The intensity of the fear, nausea and anxiety is indescribable.

The media's coverage from local to the LVRJ, was gut wrenching.  Reading about my husband, children's father and our little's grandpa in print was agonizing. Then came the harassment from one of the alleged victims. hundreds of texts, phone calls and voicemails in a night. this happened for two weekends. If the phone harassment stopped it was Facebook post after Facebook post telling her audience her fiction. But social media was far worse.  The trolls were relentless, spewing lies and claiming to know intimate details, acting as if they were present for everything. Gina would contact me and would make accusations. When I wouldn't believe her lies, she contacted my kids and would tell them I was lying to them. She was determined to make Rick and anyone in contact with us the villains. It was beyond terrible, it was constant harassment. She posted pictures of our family, our grandbabies and spewed ugly vile content. They are so innocent in all of this, but there she was being a GINA! When my temper flared and I would lash out defending my family, I was painted as the threatening bully. I was consumed by anger and hatred for these people. I know we all have a fierce instinct to protect our loved ones, no matter the cost. Threaten my children or grandbabies, and - I have learned from having our property seized, that putting things in writing can have detrimental consequences, so just imagine what you would do to protect your loved ones, this way I won't have to put it in writing what I fantasize about doing to all the GINAS.

I plan on breathing and making sense of the jumbled mess I've shared. We might get an hour of the calm Jenn, we might get a day, if we're lucky we'll get long enough for me to slow down, restart and give more of both stories to make some sense.

I know my family is suffering. Rick is suffering. And as a mom and a wife, it breaks me that I can't fix this hell created by lies. All I can do now is speak out to bring awareness to the full truth of what we've endured, the limited options we had, the truths that remain hidden, and the lies that have been told. I will do it for my family, but I'm also doing it to make people aware of the law and how flawed it is. The law has taken so much from the accused. It needs to be fixed.

I want people to understand why we continue to stand by Rick. He is kind, gentle, funny, and loving. He is not a rapist. Despite what some have posted, I am not victim shaming, and I'm not here for drama. In fact, I would love for every ounce of drama in our lives to disappear. I'm here to share the whole truth - theirs and his. It won't change the outcome. It won't give us back the time or money we've lost. It has callused our hearts. But still, I will do whatever I can to make this as right as I can for them - for Rick, for our kids, and our grandkids. I want them to know they are not alone and that the negative they see on Facebook is nothing compared to the love and support we have. We are proud of Rick and I am proud of our family and what amazing humans they really are. Rick deserves to be proud of who he is. His truth should be told, not buried under the weight of false narratives, and our family deserves for that to happen. We've experienced some things, but damn we have a good strong family!

This is our new normal - and it's anything but normal.  Rick now has to register as a sex offender. That alone changes everything. It limits our ability to fully participate in the lives of our grandbabies, especially in the ways we have enjoyed the most, school activities, sports and other community activities,  We've always been involved parents and grandparents. So much has been taken and this takes so much more from us.

Those who truly know us- know our hearts, our history and our home- know that we've done for others. Know how many kids we've taken in and given a home to, how many we've welcomed into our lives and helped.  Ironically, the open-heartedness was one of our worst mistakes.

I will start presenting this the way I should have from the beginning instead of 'squirreling'. At the top of the page the 3 lines will give you the 'hot' button option to follow me. Then you will have the opportunity to see this mess smoothed out and the new information I will be offering to help prove his innocence. 

I'm getting it together.  Hopefully I can keep it together. A life like this isn't for the weak!